PARENT NEWSLETTER #28
August 8, 2008
***********
CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
In this excerpt from "A Parent's Guide to Helping Teenagers in Crisis," you'll get some helpful tips on how you can partner with other parents and the local schools to help in times of crisis or need.
OTHER PARENTS AS PARTNERS
It's true that some parents are clueless at best, malevolent at worst, but most parents mean well. (Those who don't mean well are in a special class reserved for psychopaths and the evil--you're not likely to meet many of them.)
Most parents do the best they can under the circumstances. Those circumstances may include mediocre to lousy preparation for parenthood, occupational and financial stress, personal unhappiness, weakness, brokenness, distraction, addiction, confusion, misinformation, fatigue, anxiety, immaturity, poor relational skills, and spiritual rootlessness--in addition to the naïveté, arrogance, fear, ambition, and wishful thinking we've seen from time to time in our own mirrors. At our best and our worst, all parents are human with all the positive and negative characteristics associated with that blessedly maddening condition.
Some parents view their children with contempt but most do not.
Some parents are relentlessly self-absorbed but most are not.
Some parents are unreasonable but most are not.
This means most parents can be your partner in prevention--if only because they have the proximity to pay attention to the kids who pass through their doors. Far beyond that, a lot of parents are looking for partners to help them in the task that's uniquely theirs: Preparing their children to be women and men.
Here are four ways to engage other parents as partners in prevention:
1. Reality check. If you think something may be out of balance with a kid, check with his parents...discreetly. Don't alarm them and don't create suspicion; just ask how he's doing. If they want to know why you're asking, say you're not sure. Tell them something just feels slightly off when he's over at your place and you wondered if it was just you. If you are sure something isn't right, maybe you should start the conversation with a statement about that conviction (rather than a question that might be viewed as a setup).
If the parents seem worked up by your question, remind them that episodic short-term depression, anxiety, anger, attention deficit, fatigue, weight fluctuation, and general goofiness are all pretty common in adolescence and nothing to be distressed about. Reassure them you're not meddling or projecting--just checking on the well-being of a terrific kid.
2. Early warning. Ask other parents what teenagers, moms, and dads are talking about around the neighborhood. Your subcultural awareness may alert you to something another adult would miss. This notion is borrowed from the study of epidemics in which clustered health events may be an early warning of a larger public concern. They're usually not, but they can be.
For instance, if your casual questioning turns up references to an unexpected number of fights, pregnancies, eating disorders, runaways, hospitalizations, car accidents, or exploding trailer homes, then that may tip you off to an increase in sexual activity, drinking, or the arrival of a new drug in your community; or it may signal an uptick in rage or gang activity. As in medicine, such clusters usually turn out to be coincidental and unrelated; but every once in a while, they point to something significant.
3. Networkers. There are folks in your network of parents who can introduce you to people you need to know in the larger community of schools, churches, hospitals, and law enforcement. Don't use the phone book when you can get a qualified recommendation from someone you know.
4. Innkeepers. There will come a time when you need to arrange a few nights' lodging for a kid or a spouse--your own or somebody else's--who needs a time-out from the household. There are other parents who can give you a yes on that in real time.
The only things that can prevent you from engaging other parents as partners in prevention are your own pride, fear, shortsightedness, or inertia (sometimes experienced as laziness).
Consider developing a peer-to-peer learning and support network. We're partial to a process called "Developing Capable People." Get training for yourself and a couple of parents and go to town.
PREVENTIVE PARTNERSHIPS WITH SCHOOLS
If we hear one more person-who-ought-to-know-better bad-mouth teachers, there's gonna be trouble. Nobody has more contact with students than teachers. School administrators and staff are right behind them. Does anybody think they're in it for the money? Or the short workday? Puh-leeze!
There are exceptions, and parts of the system are broken; but most of the teachers we know are dedicated to students and they're surprised and hurt when their devotion is questioned. The same goes for administrators and staff, most of whom are committed professionals. That makes them natural allies once it's clear you share their commitments.
Consider aligning yourself with a community-based organization dedicated to helping schools. Look for local chapters of Parents for Drug-Free Youth or the National Family Partnership or Mothers Against Drunk Driving or whatever the equivalents are called in your community. These organizations are always in need of fresh blood.
After you've gone to a few meetings--and done a lot of thoughtful listening--do something many people in such groups never think to do: Tell them you'd like to visit with a couple of site administrators to see how they feel about their prevention programs and resources.
Assuming this isn't a problem for anyone, ask your children and their friends which school administrators have a reputation for caring about kids, then make an appointment with at least one of those individuals for a brief meeting to introduce yourself and ask on behalf of your community organization what they wish they had for prevention and intervention at their site. In the initial meeting:
- Explain that you have no agenda other than to find out what they're doing about prevention and intervention on the campus and what they wish they had to help them do a better job. If they seem to suspect you have a hidden agenda, it's not you; it's someone who came before you with an axe to grind or something to sell.
- Promise to report your conversation to the community organization you're aligned with--ask if there's anything from the conversation that the administrator wishes you wouldn't include in your verbal report.
- Listen more than you talk.
- Make a faithful and generous report to your community group and, if you can, help the school get what it needs to take better care of its students.
The least that's likely to come from this kind of interaction is that you'll know someone at school if you ever need help there. And that's not a bad thing.
**
Jim Hancock invested two decades as a church-based youth worker. Now he spends his days in Leucadia, California, writing and creating digital movies and learning designs like "Raising Adults," "The Justice Mission," and the "Good Sex" curriculum for youth workers, parents, and adolescents.
Rich Van Pelt trains thousands of educators, counselors and youth workers each year in adolescent crisis intervention and teen suicide prevention and response. His expertise springs from more than three decades of youth and family work, including ten years with incarcerated youth in the Colorado Department of Corrections. He is president of Alongside Consulting, a Denver-based leadership development organization, and is national director of ministry relationships for Compassion International.
Learn more about and purchase "A Parent's Guide to Helping Teenagers in Crisis" here:
http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=378
*Save 30% off the retail price of "A Parent's Guide to Helping Teenagers in Crisis" when you use Coupon Code YPNAG1 and order by 8/20/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
PlanetWisdom Parents: A place with helpful articles, links, and more for parents of teens
http://planetwisdom.com/parents/
They're Not Grown Up Yet: Leaving Adult Decisions for Adulthood
http://www.youthspecialties.com/freeresources/articles/adolescent_development/adult
How to Give Your Child an Allowance, the Mobile Way
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/31/technology/personaltech/31smart.html?_r=2&em&ex=1217649600&en=b57075279915e173&ei=5087%0A&oref=slogin&oref=slogin.
- Underage Drinkers Scoring Free Booze Off Adults
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25372396/
100+ Kids Virtual Worlds
http://www.virtualworldsexpo.com/schedule/100.html
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO
...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- krump dancing = v. 'krumpin' 'getting krump. A form of dancing that originated in the African-American community of South Central Los Angeles, California and is a relatively new form of the "Urban" Black dance movement. Check out the movie "Rize" to see what krumpin' is about. "Nancy was krumpin' last night and turned the whole party out."
- krunk = adj. Wild and exhilarating. Taking it to the next level of excitement or fun. "That party last night was krunk as hell."
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"A boy becomes an adult three years before his parents think he does, and about two years after he thinks he does."
~ Lewis B. Hershey